For Love or Money

by Wendy Perrotti

There was this episode of Friends...

I barely remember any of it - except that a tangential character (I think he was a therapist who was dating one of them?) challenged Monica by saying, "it's just a cookie Monica, it's not love."

I remember being struck by the idea that the things we do in excess are often directly related to our own sense of enoughness.

In the 90s (or as the kids are saying now, the "late 1900s" 🥹) that excess for me came in the form of tuning-out on all the scary things I "should" have, could have been doing and tuning-in to TV and movies as a way of feeling satisfied (and safe).

Of course, it didn't last.
Of course, I still wanted to reach for the big scary things.
Of course, I felt shitty about myself instead of proud.

I really just wanted things to feel right.
I didn't want to be constantly chasing a life.
I wanted my life to be Enough.

Food and TV aren't the only ways we face the question of enoughness.

Working with a lot of women, I see it every day as it relates to money.

Naturally, it looks different for everyone, but there are definitely some basic themes:

"I'm not sure what's next for me. The financial advisor says we're ok to retire, but I think whatever I do next, it should probably bring in at least some money."

"Look, I'm grateful. I know I've got more than most, but to live the way I like to live, I'll never be able to retire."

"I worry about money constantly. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be short or barely getting by."

"I hate money. I try not to think about it, although I'm not always able to push the worry down. Fingers crossed it'll all work out."

No judgment.

The truth is, each of those scenarios (including the ones from 90s Wendy and Monica) begin to improve or right themselves with minimal effort when the concept of Enough is addressed.

The tricky part is, to address it we've got to look at our icky, imperfect, shadow side.

And that, Sisters, is pretty damn uncomfortable.

Here's a way in...

1. Challenge your enoughness demons.
   ASK: If I had nothing to prove - if no one was ever looking - how would I want to live my life? What things would I want to have, do, experience?

2. Look at your current reality.
   ASK: How fulfilling is my current life? (Consider wellbeing, work, resources, and relationships.)

3. Release fear, shame, and blame.
   REFLECT: Look at your answers to questions 1 and 2. Would they be different if you had zero fear, shame, or blame?

4. Start fresh.
   ACT: How much is Enough for you to feel that you're living your life fully? After doing this exercise, this is often much more or much less than you might have expected. (Again, no fear, shame, or blame.) Write an Enough statement and use it as a guide to shift patterns and behaviors.

The bottom line?

If you're living to fill a hole or to match someone else's version of Enough, you'll feel stuck, trapped, and at the mercy of an ever present longing for more, all the while telling yourself you just want to be free.

The truth is it's not more that will bring you freedom.

It's Enough.